ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
