shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
