I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
