I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
