Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
