Got a toothbrush?
So drunk its hurt
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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