My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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