i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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