that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
this beer tastes like vomit already
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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