there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
