Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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