end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
