you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
