What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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