I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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