She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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