I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
