everyone is single if you try hard enough
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
