Just cropdusted the office
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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