whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
