allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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