She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
