god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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