in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
