I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
