Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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