rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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