i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
