He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
