OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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