i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
