I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
