I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
