Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
