He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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