Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
