If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
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