just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
