seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
