Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
