DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
