She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
