you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Even my vagina gasped.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
