oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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