Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
