I need to stop coming to work sober
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
