If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think your dad took our porno
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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