Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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