You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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