If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just had sex on a roof
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
